Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Fighting depression

I'm close to slipping into another depression again, but I am fighting it every day. I can't let myself get depressed again. I can't lose myself to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, because I know I'm not helpless and I know it's not hopeless. I owe it to myself - and the people close to me that are doing everything they can to help me - to fight this familiar grey fog of passivity and sadness. 

But I can't escape the feeling of drifting further and further away from my art. I don't even like to think about it anymore. I hate looking at my own artworks. They feel old and I can't see myself in them at all. Who was the girl who made those works? What kind of art would I do today - and what inspires me now? So much has happened to me in my life, on the way from all those paintings to now. I'm not the same person, but more me than ever, yet less connected to my art. How is that possible? The more I reconnect with myself the more I should reconnect with my art - isn't that logical? But I guess life isn't that predictable and logical after all. 

Soon, I've been blocked in my art for 6 years. Quite unbelievable. Some days I am thinking about how I never want to make another painting or artwork ever again in my life! But I guess that's like running away from myself, from who I am, from what I know I can be. 

Other days I miss the smell of the paint, to get messy, dirty and to work with my body again. The digital art is a wonderful process, very creative and exciting, but it feels very sterile and passive at times.

Right now, the only creative dream I have is to write. Maybe I've been suffocating that side of myself while I have been so focused on my visual art, or perhaps it's an escape from the blockages and the pain that comes with it. Only time will tell.

Perhaps I can combine my writing with my art somehow.

I guess I am free to do whatever I want. But first, I need to find peace of mind.

That's my biggest priority. I don't think I've ever had peace of mind in my whole life. I need to move into my own place, start my new life and then slowly, reconnect with my creativity - writing, art, whatever that wants to come out.

I just have to keep my inner fire burning, I can't lose it to the cold environment of another depression.

I have to be at my strongest now.

I can do this.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Dagen som aldrig kom


Andetag av granit.

Äpplen som aldrig skalades.

Försvinner, som himlen.


De omkom om natten.

När vinden rev mitt hår.


Nedbäddad i olja.

| MM

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Different types of love

Love can shift in so many shades of red. Here's a list of different types of romantic love that I just made:

The burning love
The pure love
The elusive love
The hide-and-seek love
The closed love (or the "come and get it yourself" love)
The lazy love (taking for granted)
The blind love (dangerous)
The "make me or break me" love
The "constant wrestling game love" (resistance)
The bleeding love
The crying love
The "bigger than the Universe" love
The deep love
The painful love
The soft, cloudy love
The "playing hard to get" love
The "surrendering to nature" love (when you melt into the feeling of being a child of nature)
The passionate love
The rubber band love (stretch from feeling very intense to calm and stable)
The fantasy love (not real)
The masquerade love (for show)
The numb love
The dead love
The happy love
The tranquil love
The literal love (it's all about the words, not the actions)
The desperate love
The unconditional love (extremely rare)
The "lost in love" love
The "falling into a dream" love (happens in the first month)
The "waking up from a long sleep" love (can be painful and scary)
The intoxicated love
The hungry love
The curious love
The false love (manipulation)
The dark love (destructive)
The "sunshine in my stomach" love
The candy love (sweet but makes you sick if you have too much)
The earthquake love ("heartquake")
The knife love (cuts your heart in two)
The annoying love (when you are falling for someone you can't stand)
The ego love (stimulates the ego, not the heart, like getting a "trophy wife")
The mysterious love
The organic love (changing, goes in new directions a lot)
The dancing love (only survives in an emotional dance, short lived)
The "sneaking up on you" love
The "once in a lifetime" love
The erratic love
The warrior love (fighting for a survival)
The weak love
The true love
The 1+1=1 love
The secret love
The spice love (it gives taste to everything)
The tired love
The found love
The "spiritual treasure" love
The almighty love
The never ending love
The complete love
The complicated love
The hopeless love
The "I'll wait for you as long as it takes" love
The loyal love
The comfortable love
The "security blanket" love
The "all my dreams come true" love
The velvet red love
The grotesque love
The mirror love (meeting your soul twin)
The dramatic love
The dirty love
The "I don't really love you but somehow I really love you" love
The "I just want company" love (selfish)
The adoring love
The all consuming love
The fearful love
The illuminated love
The "I hate you therefore I love you" love
The grateful love
The laughing love
The rainbow coloured love

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Carola - Tell me this night is over

Life & Magic

Lately I've been feeling a bit lost. I'm going through so many changes at the same time, in every area of my life. I am building a new life for myself, I am looking for my new artistic voice, I am exploring my sexuality, I am still trying really hard to shake off the last layers of the victimhood from my past - and all the fears and paranoia that came with that, I am learning about what I want and need in love - and it's hard to look love that deeply into the eye because the more I know what I want, the more I have to let go of old definitions of romance, dreams and ideals.

I am no longer searching for who I am. I know who I am. I am traveling to find places and people that can add something unique to my life - and to my mind. I am over the idea that I need a man share my life with. Perhaps my visions of my future is too advanced for a man anyway. I want to break the rules of everyday life, I want to bend life until it nearly breaks to see what's hiding behind it. I am interested in what is secretly waiting for me to discover behind the grey exterior of every day life. I just know that there's so much more to it. I can feel it.

I am not scared of reality, in fact I love it. But what is reality? Is it the endless routines of shopping, eating, watching crappy TV and all those things that sort of has to be there in order for life to move forward - or is it hidden inside the details that we hardly notice anymore, is it within ourselves - is it layered and structured within our feelings but needs to be dressed in a language to be understood?

I have a very vivid imagination. It's wild and free. But I am not into fantasies, perhaps that's why I am not a big fan of fantasy movies either. I know what life can be if we only dare to break through the superficial layers of it. It is hard if you are addicted to the security and comfort of the routines and what you know about life. It is easy if you are dying of curiosity - if you are on fire because your heart is hungry for more.

I think that is why people loved that french "Amelie" movie so much. Personally, I think it's a bit pretentious but the message is good - look around you, don't miss the magical details of life, they are hiding everywhere.

Magic is not something that comes to you and surprises you with its presence - you have to discover magic, create it yourself, or at least feel it inside, as part of something indescribable and intangible. But it is there. Always.

And we can waste a whole life without seeing it.

Well, I don't want to waste more time, in fact I am feeling rather greedy about it. I want it in everything I do. In every lover I will love. In every artwork I will create. Why settle for less than magic?

Perhaps it's already there, but we just can't see it.

I know I ask a lot from life. But my life has been pretty shitty and I have wasted so much time and energy on the wrong things - pointless conflicts, fear, people who took me for granted, people who couldn't even see me, people who didn't even understand my heart, compromises, emotional wars and mind games, spiritual prisons and traps - and the grey every day life with the numbing routines.

I don't care if I ask too much from life now - it is my turn to live! It is my turn to love! To be happy and to be free! And the best part is that it's not up to anybody else than me to make all this come true.

We are all very powerful that way.

Every second is a chance to turn it all around.

That makes life a very generous place too.

But sometimes, you just can't help feeling a little lost inside it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


Every hour starts and ends with you
Black fire storm
Tearing continents apart
A void
Louder than any chaos
Silent screamer
Tortured air
Grey and dry
Time and death
Glowing like dying fireflies in the dirt
Ash flower
Reaching for the light within
Resurrection and supersonic desire
A garden of aching delight
Deep inside every thought
Crashing deeper
MIA MAKILA, October 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014



"Is the hunt for love more important to me than love itself? If so - why is that?

Perhaps there is a sense of power in the chase - to go after the things I want, to have an ambition and to catch a fantasy or a dream. Is the  fantasy of the dream sweeter than to actually keep the dream?

If I chase love and go after my dreams - it is a proof that my existence makes a difference in the world. That I create the rings upon the surface of the water - that I rearrange things in the great cosmos. I don't want to go with the flow and to just accept things as they are - I want to create them, to make them happen and to feel that I create my own light on the sky, not basking in the light that's really there. Perhaps it's an expression of my narcissism, or perhaps it's a fear that my life has no real value to the world, other than to my own experience of being here on this Earth.

And if I am hunting for love than I am actively making sure it will be there. What would happen if I would stop? Would there be a void? No love? It's the perfect way to control love, to go after it. At least you are doing something, at least you are there - trying.

But is the fantasy about love replacing the actual experience? How would I know the difference to that? This hunt for love is starting to become a 'dance of death', it always end up in pain. I think I am scared of love. Not TO LOVE but to be loved.

Nothing is as scary as to surrender to happiness. I have never been happy in my life, so how would I know how to relax and just let go of the fear? If you are happy, there is always a chance of something unpredictable and horrible, a threat of an invasion. Reality has proven to be pretty cruel. And unhappiness and pain is so familiar to me know that it is more comfortable than to be happy. It's all fucked up, I know that. I need to do something about that.

If I stop hunting for love - what would that make me? An easy prey for someone else's love hunt? If I don'y create rings on the water, how would I know that my existence is of any value?

I know the answers. But right now I am trying to pretend they don't exist. Because then I actually need to change my attitude about this." 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Far away

So far away. Like broken moonshine.

I touch the darkness with my thoughts.

Wondering, if the shadows die when 

it's dark or if they rule 

the night with its blackness.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014


"Memories of you"

A crash.
Two planets colliding with the intensity of a war.
Destruction, sweet as the tip of your tongue.
Dancing in honey rain.
A laughing sun.
The center point of an Empire, always alive with fire storms.
And you.
A silver coated wolf, hungry as Death itself 
 - tearing me apart with your uneven teeth.
Jaws locked around my heart.
Blood lust and cream.
Unleash me.
With stardust.
I am raw inside you.
We make love inside a birdhouse.
Six hours of dead ends.
An eternity of words.
Layers and layers of black fire and fragile slices of ham.
Washed away by moonlight.
With the shower curtains still dripping of cum.
The texture of a raw chicken.
Tongues, wet and slow like pink snails.
Two hearts, divided by a wall.
Sharp as a razor blade.


A nothing box.
It never existed anyway.
You killed mommy with your love.
Cherry strap-on.
I hate purple.
Jelly pain and a fierce cul-de-sac.
I am just a detail in your life.
Pure love.
Insomnia inside a void.
Heartbeats trapped in a car.
Driving faster into you.
Into the rainbow.
A spilled egg between my legs.
And I reach for your heart like it's heaven.

Silence is just another language that we share.

MIA MAKILA, October 2014

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Are you having a crisis? Congratulations, it's the best thing that could ever happen to you!

It's been more than a month since I wrote anything here. I've been experiencing so many things lately and I've been very present - in the moment, in the here and now. I know I haven't been active here lately, but I will be back, just give me some time to figure things out, practically, emotionally and mentally. I'm starting over in life, the days of planning, thinking and pondering are over. Now, I am forced to act, change and do all that I was planning to do. Practical things, adjustments, changing, taking one step at a time, processing, absorbing, relaxing, reconnecting, recharging, accepting, growing, gathering strength, energy and inspiration.

I am single for the first time in 15 years and I am trying to figure out what I want and need from life, and what i have to give to the world other than with my art. I don't have any children or a man to have under consideration, it's just me and my wants and needs. I don't feel lonely at all. But it's all so new and unfamiliar. I am trying to create a lifestyle that is true to who I am, beyond the conventional choices and 'normality' of lifestyles and ways of thinking. I want to live now. I want to make my life into a work of art. And I've just started.

This new freedom is overwhelming at times. I surround myself with passion and love, drama and creativity. But there's a tranquility to balance it all up and I feel more relaxed than I've ever have before. 

For the first time ever in my adult life, I am free from the nightmares, the flashbacks and the suffocating feeling of the two traumas of my past. I will always have some PTSD symptoms to fight against when they are triggered, but they are fading, and becoming fewer and fewer. The trauma is a closed chapter, just like my childhood, they will forever be a part of me but they are not present and living side by side with me in my everyday life. 

I am finally free.

But with freedom comes control - power. Something I am not used to experiencing. It's been hard to accept that since my past no longer rule my life - I have to step up and be in charge of my life and all the situations I choose for myself. I am no longer a victim - of anything. Now, I am just me. And it's gonna take a while to explore who I am without any labels of being a 'girlfriend' or a 'victim'. Now I am me, I am an artist and I want to explore my new artistic voice in new art projects but also in my writing and perhaps write books. I have found someone very special that I want to collaborate with, a muse and creative playmate. It makes me happy. I just need to get back in the game, to unblock my creativity once and for all and start believing in myself again - so I could finally start working with my art again.

That is the most important thing right now.

To get started. I have everything I need  - a new freedom, I've ended 5 years of therapy, I've moved back home to my roots and I'm exploring myself and my sexuality for the first time without any trauma present in my mind.

I am not even scared anymore. I just need to DO IT. To get started. To act, do, make, create, be - to live and breathe through my creativity.

I am not afraid of a crisis anymore, because I know that the pain of it, is nothing if you compare with what you gain from it. The original meaning of the word "crisis" is "turning point" - and we all get to that painful cul-de-sac at some point in our lives. A place where we are stuck, trapped, a painful place of hopelessness, powerlessness and fear - or worse - a place where we numb our desires and kill our dreams.

To have a crisis (whatever the cause might be, a middle life crisis, a life crisis, and identity crisis), is the best thing that could ever happen to you. You have finally reached the end of your misery - and the pain is released  - exposed, real and tangible - and you are forced to DO something about it. It's painful to change, it's hard work and you lose a lot in the process. But what you win is an unimaginable treasure.

Life. Raw and real. Without any compromises, without denying yourself or your true nature.

So, if you ever reach the point of a crisis - I will be truly happy for you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Ingrid Michaelson - Girls Chase Boys

Black bells of fire

penetrating each other
like beginnings 
and endings 
of you

fixating starlight
illuminated veins
 - shining hard

black bells of fire
punctuating the mind
inside and out
 - even harder than before

feather rain
washed up 
like secrets on the rocks
while I am naked without skin
in the flashlight tornado

the sugar raven
and the inverted sea
rolling down my chin 
like milk

flying high 
among the electric swans
perverted dreams
and boxes 
tied up 
with far too many blood roots

| MIA MAKILA (August, 2014)

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Creating a new life

It's been 3 months since I left my home and my boyfriend. It feels like it's been a lifetime since then. So much has happened, I am changing, so much, so fast. Some days I crash from exhaustion, because I'm moving forward with such a powerful force. I've found a voice to use in my art, but I still have to know which stories to tell - to choose and create my own mythology. I'm using a greyscale to minimize similarities to my old palette and style. I want the new. I crave the unknown as much as it scares me.

I can't do my old art anymore. It feels all wrong, it doesn't fit me anymore. The old lolitas are a sad reminder of how helpless I felt at the time, the missing limbs, the passive compositions, the enlarged heads are all indications of how I used to look at myself, I lived in my own head, I didn't do anything, I was blocked and it made me passive and tired, and I felt helpless and insignificant. 

I can see how isolated and lonely I was in that house where I lived for the 5 years with various creativity blockages, depressions (because of the blockages) and a distant relationship with  my boyfriend, no sex and intimacy. I now know that I can't ever live a 'normal' life, like I tried to do in that house. I can't have rules around me - routines or limits. And I need the intimacy of a relationship - and the intimacy with my own art. I want to create a life that is as rare as my heart.

I need to float through life without any borders between me, my art and my sexuality. I need to create a seamless world for me to live inside and to be the foundation of. I am not sure how that would work, but I am willing to try.

I've talked a lot about starting a sexual revolution, and I guess it has already started - but in the first phase of my self discovery, my research about my relationship to eroticism, sensuality and sexuality.  And love of course. 

Without a deeper connection to give the sexuality a meaning, it will never be anything else than a simple carnal act. I want the complexities, the depth and I always need to find meaning in the things I do. That's why I can't really create art if it doesn't feel true to who I am. If I am lost in life, I will be lost in art. And when I've been in relationships I lose the connection to my sexuality after a while - and it affects the mojo - that is crucial for my creativity. That's how it works. I am deeply connected to my art and sexuality, that's why need to create a life where they both rule, intertwined, in a creative and intelligent way.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The desires of now

"The desires of Now"
Chocolate nights.
Ejaculation of the mind - without an umbrella.
Organ tango
Melting ice cream
With sprinkles and pubic hair on top
And time like the sky
Open and endless
A space for two camels
Down there
Where Georgia O'Keeffe kept her flowers alive
Wet and thankful for the vibrations of the drums
The gentle strings of pleasure
Trembling like a heartquake
A house without walls or roof
Pierce me slowly with those nails
Watch me blend with the beats of pain
And the pleasure, far away from the daylight
Blossoming boat-flower. Raspberries.
And the taste of a mermaid's tail.
Form is the illusion of now.
Like time.
Like having fire as a pet.
My hair will clean your floors.
Upside down 'hellos'. In the flesh.
I am never colder than rain
Mia Mäkilä - January 2014

Dark violin : Wind Song by Max Ablitzer

Pictures from the Harry Potter Exhibition [Norrköping, Sweden, 2014]

Dear Life

Dear Life.

I know I was wasting you in my past, and that I blame you for all the mistakes I've made and I know I haven't trusted you much (nor myself) - but I'm starting to surrender to you now. I can see the beauty in not knowing where you will take me next. I never realized that you are just a big playground for me to play inside. It makes me happy. Thank you for showing me more colors than only the black and white. Your rainbow is really beautiful. 

Thank you, for everything, even for the hard times, they made me grow.