Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Are you having a crisis? Congratulations, it's the best thing that could ever happen to you!

It's been more than a month since I wrote anything here. I've been experiencing so many things lately and I've been very present - in the moment, in the here and now. I know I haven't been active here lately, but I will be back, just give me some time to figure things out, practically, emotionally and mentally. I'm starting over in life, the days of planning, thinking and pondering are over. Now, I am forced to act, change and do all that I was planning to do. Practical things, adjustments, changing, taking one step at a time, processing, absorbing, relaxing, reconnecting, recharging, accepting, growing, gathering strength, energy and inspiration.

I am single for the first time in 15 years and I am trying to figure out what I want and need from life, and what i have to give to the world other than with my art. I don't have any children or a man to have under consideration, it's just me and my wants and needs. I don't feel lonely at all. But it's all so new and unfamiliar. I am trying to create a lifestyle that is true to who I am, beyond the conventional choices and 'normality' of lifestyles and ways of thinking. I want to live now. I want to make my life into a work of art. And I've just started.

This new freedom is overwhelming at times. I surround myself with passion and love, drama and creativity. But there's a tranquility to balance it all up and I feel more relaxed than I've ever have before. 

For the first time ever in my adult life, I am free from the nightmares, the flashbacks and the suffocating feeling of the two traumas of my past. I will always have some PTSD symptoms to fight against when they are triggered, but they are fading, and becoming fewer and fewer. The trauma is a closed chapter, just like my childhood, they will forever be a part of me but they are not present and living side by side with me in my everyday life. 

I am finally free.

But with freedom comes control - power. Something I am not used to experiencing. It's been hard to accept that since my past no longer rule my life - I have to step up and be in charge of my life and all the situations I choose for myself. I am no longer a victim - of anything. Now, I am just me. And it's gonna take a while to explore who I am without any labels of being a 'girlfriend' or a 'victim'. Now I am me, I am an artist and I want to explore my new artistic voice in new art projects but also in my writing and perhaps write books. I have found someone very special that I want to collaborate with, a muse and creative playmate. It makes me happy. I just need to get back in the game, to unblock my creativity once and for all and start believing in myself again - so I could finally start working with my art again.

That is the most important thing right now.

To get started. I have everything I need  - a new freedom, I've ended 5 years of therapy, I've moved back home to my roots and I'm exploring myself and my sexuality for the first time without any trauma present in my mind.

I am not even scared anymore. I just need to DO IT. To get started. To act, do, make, create, be - to live and breathe through my creativity.

I am not afraid of a crisis anymore, because I know that the pain of it, is nothing if you compare with what you gain from it. The original meaning of the word "crisis" is "turning point" - and we all get to that painful cul-de-sac at some point in our lives. A place where we are stuck, trapped, a painful place of hopelessness, powerlessness and fear - or worse - a place where we numb our desires and kill our dreams.

To have a crisis (whatever the cause might be, a middle life crisis, a life crisis, and identity crisis), is the best thing that could ever happen to you. You have finally reached the end of your misery - and the pain is released  - exposed, real and tangible - and you are forced to DO something about it. It's painful to change, it's hard work and you lose a lot in the process. But what you win is an unimaginable treasure.

Life. Raw and real. Without any compromises, without denying yourself or your true nature.

So, if you ever reach the point of a crisis - I will be truly happy for you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Ingrid Michaelson - Girls Chase Boys

Black bells of fire

penetrating each other
like beginnings 
and endings 
of you

fixating starlight
illuminated veins
 - shining hard

black bells of fire
punctuating the mind
inside and out
 - even harder than before

feather rain
washed up 
like secrets on the rocks
while I am naked without skin
in the flashlight tornado

the sugar raven
and the inverted sea
rolling down my chin 
like milk

flying high 
among the electric swans
perverted dreams
and boxes 
tied up 
with far too many blood roots

| MIA MAKILA (August, 2014)

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Creating a new life

It's been 3 months since I left my home and my boyfriend. It feels like it's been a lifetime since then. So much has happened, I am changing, so much, so fast. Some days I crash from exhaustion, because I'm moving forward with such a powerful force. I've found a voice to use in my art, but I still have to know which stories to tell - to choose and create my own mythology. I'm using a greyscale to minimize similarities to my old palette and style. I want the new. I crave the unknown as much as it scares me.

I can't do my old art anymore. It feels all wrong, it doesn't fit me anymore. The old lolitas are a sad reminder of how helpless I felt at the time, the missing limbs, the passive compositions, the enlarged heads are all indications of how I used to look at myself, I lived in my own head, I didn't do anything, I was blocked and it made me passive and tired, and I felt helpless and insignificant. 

I can see how isolated and lonely I was in that house where I lived for the 5 years with various creativity blockages, depressions (because of the blockages) and a distant relationship with  my boyfriend, no sex and intimacy. I now know that I can't ever live a 'normal' life, like I tried to do in that house. I can't have rules around me - routines or limits. And I need the intimacy of a relationship - and the intimacy with my own art. I want to create a life that is as rare as my heart.

I need to float through life without any borders between me, my art and my sexuality. I need to create a seamless world for me to live inside and to be the foundation of. I am not sure how that would work, but I am willing to try.

I've talked a lot about starting a sexual revolution, and I guess it has already started - but in the first phase of my self discovery, my research about my relationship to eroticism, sensuality and sexuality.  And love of course. 

Without a deeper connection to give the sexuality a meaning, it will never be anything else than a simple carnal act. I want the complexities, the depth and I always need to find meaning in the things I do. That's why I can't really create art if it doesn't feel true to who I am. If I am lost in life, I will be lost in art. And when I've been in relationships I lose the connection to my sexuality after a while - and it affects the mojo - that is crucial for my creativity. That's how it works. I am deeply connected to my art and sexuality, that's why need to create a life where they both rule, intertwined, in a creative and intelligent way.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The desires of now

"The desires of Now"
Chocolate nights.
Ejaculation of the mind - without an umbrella.
Organ tango
Melting ice cream
With sprinkles and pubic hair on top
And time like the sky
Open and endless
A space for two camels
Down there
Where Georgia O'Keeffe kept her flowers alive
Wet and thankful for the vibrations of the drums
The gentle strings of pleasure
Trembling like a heartquake
A house without walls or roof
Pierce me slowly with those nails
Watch me blend with the beats of pain
And the pleasure, far away from the daylight
Blossoming boat-flower. Raspberries.
And the taste of a mermaid's tail.
Form is the illusion of now.
Like time.
Like having fire as a pet.
My hair will clean your floors.
Upside down 'hellos'. In the flesh.
I am never colder than rain
Mia Mäkilä - January 2014

Dark violin : Wind Song by Max Ablitzer

Pictures from the Harry Potter Exhibition [Norrköping, Sweden, 2014]

Dear Life

Dear Life.

I know I was wasting you in my past, and that I blame you for all the mistakes I've made and I know I haven't trusted you much (nor myself) - but I'm starting to surrender to you now. I can see the beauty in not knowing where you will take me next. I never realized that you are just a big playground for me to play inside. It makes me happy. Thank you for showing me more colors than only the black and white. Your rainbow is really beautiful. 

Thank you, for everything, even for the hard times, they made me grow.


Sex, details and lovers

I've realized that I should only look for lovers that are obsessed with details. Just look at my early art, the collages are filled with details, just like my overloaded mind and heart. I've only made love to Mondrians or Rothkos - once even an Yves Klein, but never to a Bosch or a Dali. I want the surreal and creative sex, not the abstract and cubistic.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The story of my future

Today I ended my treatment with my therapist. 2,5 years of trauma therapy is over. Now, it's just me and life and my past is a closed chapter. Time to start writing the story of my future. I'm so excited!

"Ave Maria" (by Schubert) is playing on the radio in the lounge at the bus station, where I am right now. It was the song playing as I married the abusive man in the church. Since then, the song has always been a sad reminder of that mistake. But now, it's just a pretty piece of music that fills my heart with its melancholy violins. It is the perfect soundtrack to this moment, I am looking at myself in the mirror wall in front of me, I am looking back at myself with gratitude instead of pain.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

About relationships

I've been in different relationships for 15 years now, this is the first time I've ever been truly single. Some of these relationships have been very heavy, some were empty and hollow, others were damaging and destructive. I want to be single for a long time from now on. I'm not ready to commit to anything or anyone. I need my freedom. Just thinking about the concept of a 'relationship' makes me want to vomit right now:

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Where is Bergman going?

I have two sides. The Pippi Longstocking side. And the Ingmar Bergman side. Someone recently told me that Bergman is going on a long vacation. I wonder where he's going.

Chopin - Complete Nocturnes (Brigitte Engerer)

Monday, July 28, 2014

Memories of today

Feeling naughty at a café.

Asking important questions in my notebook.

Finding answers in the light.

Passing by the haunted house where I once lived.

Dark sunlight behind clouds.

'NOT A PHALLUS' BY MIA MÄKILÄ, 2014 (digital)

Monday, July 21, 2014

Painful truth

Someone told me this today, it was both beautiful and painful to hear, because it is true:

"I think your head and heart rarely agree on anything. You are very intelligent, but your mind has taken on the impossible task of protecting your heart."

Sunday, July 20, 2014

My new skin

These last three weeks has been very strange and overwhelming. I got a chance to borrow an apartment in the city for a couple of weeks and for the first time in months, I was all by myself and I had time to absorb and reflect on what I've been experiencing since I left my boyfriend, my home and my old life behind.

Since I crawled out of my old skin.

The first week alone was terrible. I cried, my anxiety was stronger than ever, I felt lost and scared. Where am I going from here? Who am I? And what do I want? What do I  need? Am I still an artist? Am I a poet? A writer? What do I have to say? How do I want to say it? What does my new skin look like? How will it fit me? What kind of love do I deserve? What kind of sex do I need? Is it possible to live a life filled with eroticism and sexual energy? Where do I want to live? How do I find peace of mind?

I felt like I was floating in and out of myself, like a stranger, like a friend visiting, getting deeper and deeper into myself, but with a distance so far that I could no longer see who I used to be. The pain was excruciating. I was emptied of everything I used to know about myself, everything I once was to the world. All that was left was a big vacuum - a void - and questions. I abandoned myself, I killed myself, I removed myself, I left myself, I discovered myself, I found myself and finally all the layers of me floated back into me and made me feel complete.

The pain was gone. And the silence was replaced with some kind of inner peace.

I don't have any answers yet, but it's OK, I will find the answers to my questions, one by one, just by living. Just by wanting to find them. And by being at peace with what I will find.

I don't want to be a concept anymore. I don't want to be a girlfriend, an artist, a lover, a victim, a nobody, a somebody, a role model or a dreamer.

I want to be me. Mia. Nothing more or less. But can I rise above these concepts? Can I push through them and not lose myself to the roleplaying, to the judgments they provoke, the rules and boundaries that comes with them?

I find it so hard to be able to be myself in this world when I being forced to dress myself in a skin that society has manufactured - one fits all.  I don't want that, I'd rather die or walk naked without skin for the rest of my life. I just want to feel beautiful, strong, powerful, intelligent, creative and sexual - without losing myself again. My new skin will be stronger, softer and more see-through than before. I want to be as naked in the world as I can - I don't want any armor or turtle shells just because I've been hurt before. No. I want to shine with everything I am! I want to burn! I want to BE! I want to LIVE! Now. Now. Now.

I feel the new skin grow upon my naked soul as soft spreading velvet. It is happening now. Now. Now.

Rubinstein Mozart Concerto

Friday, July 18, 2014

Too connected

You sat in front of me at the dining table, smiling while you destroyed 4 months of therapy research by saying: "You always say you are so disconnected between mind/body/heart but it's not true, you are SO connected that you are suffering! You feel everything in your heart/mind/body all the time! This hair loss is a perfect proof of that." You said while removing a string of my hair that had fallen on my plate.

"Think about it", you continued, " if you are disconnected you don't suffer, you turn it off, numb it, that's what disconnections are for, serial killers have a disconnected mind/body/heart and sociopaths,  but you... You are TOO connected, Mia! That's why you are suffering all the time because you are overloaded. You have too much inside and you are channelling it all in the wrong place inside your mind, trying to fix your problems with your art etc, in a state of fear and chaos. It's like you are trying to raise one of those tiny miniature ships inside a bottle with careful precision, at a rave party. You can't be focused at a rave party. If you relax and find peace of mind, you'll be able to raise the ship in the bottle ...you'll see."

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Mystery man

Tuesday 2:30 pm: waiting for my mystery man.

Thursday 10:30 am: last morning together.

Thursday 5 pm: He's gone, but more present than ever. I'm in a blurry state of mind.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Static electricity

You push my reality through all the layers of life, as if the moment is a collage of sensations and forced out to the surface to make a defined expression of it. Squeezing the wetness out of time, the marrow out of life - the heartblood out of my heart. In the secret cracks of time, we create our own Universe, tied to each other’s minds, deeply connected. With you I am so close to life that I can feel it pressed against my skin like a thin veil - loaded with static electricity.