Monday, January 26, 2015

The Fourth Eye

I'm having difficulties with uploading images again, to look at my latest artwork "THE FOURTH EYE", go here!

Friday, January 23, 2015

About the nature of love

External love is not a glue to fix a broken heart, external love is not a substance to fill gaps in the soul - love is a joy to embrace without making it into something more than it is. I learned this the hard way after trying to force love to be everything I wanted it to be - the solution for every problem in my life and the answer to every question I had about myself. It wasn't until I gave up all the ideas I had about love, that I have been able to accept it, embrace it and enjoy it for what it is and not for what I thought it would be. And the most important love is self-love - from that comes all the answers you will ever need.

Frozen but alive

Listening to the ice crack and move. Even something frozen has motion and movement underneath. Inspiring.

What creativity is trying to tell you: Jonathan Tilley at TEDxStuttgart

Thursday, January 22, 2015

What kind of job is "me"?

I need to get a job in order to reconnect with my art after the 6 years of artistic struggles and creativity blockages. I wonder what kind of "normal" job I am suited for? Any ideas or suggestions?


Not giving up

After two weeks of a lot of rejections and bad news, I am trying to get back up on my feet again. Cleaning up the mess that is your life is hard. It's one step forward, two steps back but at least I am on my way to independence. I'm not gonna give up because it's hard or that I'm constantly fighting setbacks and feeling helpless at times. I'm not helpless and this rough time won't last forever. Time to gather more strength.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Anton Pieck


I feel more collected within myself now days, more put together, more complete and present. I think I've overcome the disassociating behavior of the PTSD and accepted who I am and with making closure of my painful past - I've managed to reconnect myself with life and the present moment. It feels wonderful. I remember feeling this way before the trauma. It's an extraordinary sensation and it means so much to me.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Mike Hodgson (Disney Studios - background study)

(click to enlarge)

No regrets

It's the year of the fool.

No sun is laughing.

I'm licking wounds like a clam, hungry and isolated in my own insecurity.

Transparency is the new black.

So many lies in so many rooms. A hotel of traveling lies.

Breastfeeding the beast within and the hairy baby attached to the darkness outside.

No regrets, if so - I would regret my whole life.

There are no shades of blue.

It's all gone.

Rage rising like a black thistle with the head of a restless crow.


While you cum inside another watermelon.

MM - 15

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar

Back on track

I'm coming out of a dark phase, I can feel how I lost my way for a while. I lost my focus and I started to repeat old mistakes and I let fear back inside. It feels like I've been separated from myself for the last 6 months - I totally let myself be swept away and forgot where I was going. I had been working so hard on reconnecting my body and mind - and then I suddenly stopped and once again disassociated myself from life. I won't let it happen again, I've learned a lot about myself lately, and I've had closure when it comes to self-sabotage and self-destructive behavior. Never again. I know too much about what it does to my heart and mind to ever go back to the darkness. I really had to lose everything AND myself in order to see what I REALLY wanted and needed, underneath all the layers of PTSD symptoms still being triggered by destructive relationships I held on to way too long and depression. I had three broken hearts last year - I was still chasing men who would punish me for being who I am, because deep down I thought I didn't deserve true love and happiness.

But going through all the destructive love affairs last year, I could see myself from a new perspective, perhaps because I've been working so hard to reconnect with myself these last two years and I could see every behavioral pattern, every time I ignored my gut feeling and every time I allowed myself to be controlled or punished by someone else for acting the way I wanted or for saying things I felt. I let it almost destroy me, I allowed them to almost break me, until I finally could stop repeating my destructive behavior. I guess I go to the extremes just so I can see myself better, from the outside, like highlighting the pain and the suffering so I can see where it starts and ends. It's a dangerous method, but at least I am here now, stronger than I've been in a very long time - away from the darkness (THEIR darkness). 

I know what I have to stay away from now. Nobody is allowed to criticize me for who I am at heart. Nobody is ever allowed to make me feel bad about myself anymore. Nobody can get my trust or respect without earning it, I have been way too generous with my heart in the past. My heart and mind is not to be played with, ever again. And it's up to me to make sure it won't happen again, because even if it was other people who hurt me, I allowed them to do so, I gave them a free place in my heart that they had no right to claim in the first place. I gave them love and respect when they gave me coldness and distance. I accepted all their good and bad sides while they punished me for being who I am and not who they wanted me to be. I gave them my everything when they were reluctant to even give me a small piece of their hearts. It doesn't make sense and it's unfair.

So I'll keep my heart to myself and only share it with the ones who deserves it. And from now on, I will stick to the things that makes sense and feels fair and makes me happy.

I will never think or feel like I don't deserve to be happy again. What kind of sick and twisted thought is that anyway?

I feel strong and focused again. I have a lot to deal with in my life right now. I need to find a place to live, get a job and start making art again so I can revitalize my career. And the only other things I will invite in my life is happiness, good energy, sensuality and respect.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Katrina & The Waves - Walking On Sunshine

If I had to chose a song that I would hear playing in my head every time I could need a little more energy - a theme song (like in Ally McBeal) - this would be my song. What would yours be?

Jackson 5 - ABC

I love Jackson 5!