Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Golden miracles brûlé

Electronic blood.

Games of shadows and wind.

Golden miracles  brûlé.

A prize and seven living sins.

Notifications.

Dominatrix in blue.

Suffocations.

No barriers, only land.

Crumbling down.

Underworlds and underwear.

Mixed with broken china.

A lover's hat.

Inside another lover's pussy.

Polite seduction and overcooked rice.

Something something to do

With time.

And fire where it hurts.


| MIA MAKILA



Sunday, April 13, 2014

The table

YVES MONTAND WATCHING MARILYN MONROE WHO’S WATCHING ARTHUR MILLER WHO’S WATCHING SIMONE SIGNORET WHO’S WATCHING YVES MONTAND.


Wide open

"I can feel how my mind is expanding itself. It is wide open. I want to swallow the world inside it."


Honey

A world inside honey.
Deep nights,
nine moons away.


A place to rest.
A space to light.
A cross to burn.



My room of dripping honey.
Rain of sticky scent.

Love as sweet as darkness.
A parade of sugar flames.

Black. Black. Black.
And stars.

Bury me in the garden.
Melt with me in the heat.

A never ending torture.
Endless space of dreams.


| MIA MAKILA

Ocean of dreams

To live inside an ocean of dreams is to never know where the next wave will take you.


Friday, April 11, 2014

An open heart is not an invitation for destruction



I come from the cold winters of Sweden. I come from a country that has two concepts of laws; one is the traditional law of justice that keeps the citizens and the civilization in balance and the second concept of law we call "Jante" - and has been deeply rooted in the national mindset for generations. This law of Jante consists of 10 unspoken social rules:

The ten rules state:
  1. You're not to think you are anything special.
  2. You're not to think you are as good as we are.
  3. You're not to think you are smarter than we are.
  4. You're not to convince yourself that you are better than we are.
  5. You're not to think you know more than we do.
  6. You're not to think you are more important than we are.
  7. You're not to think you are good at anything.
  8. You're not to laugh at us.
  9. You're not to think anyone cares about you.
  10. You're not to think you can teach us anything.


The law of Jante is based on the idea that our success and happiness makes other people uncomfortable and offended. Sure, we are allowed to be happy and successful, as long as we keep it to ourselves. It's rude to show off, brag or flaunt with our assets (mentally, artistically, spiritually or economically) and it will only make the people around us feel jealous or inadequate. 

It basically says that if you are talented, smart or amazing, you're pretty much screwed.

I'm raised with this notion, it's running in my bloodstream, and it's hard to be a free spirit in Sweden because you know most people won't support your thinking outside the box. I've never had many friends here, I was a lonely child but not really unhappy about it because it allowed me to create my own world within myself and I would fill it with freedom and imagination.

However I could get pretty sad when I tried to share this self-created world with my classmates and friends, who immediately put their 'Jante Law Enforcement' uniforms on and showed their dislike with eye rolling, funny faces or games like 'let's pretend Mia is crazy or invisible'.

But even that I could handle, because I knew my inner world was a treasure, I felt rich and I felt like I had access to something they couldn't even see, feel or touch.

It was later in life that I encountered the pain that Jante can cause, because the Jante police among kids had turned into a military force for adults. A resistance with a mission to shut me up and to punish my rebellious attempts to outsmart the 10 rules of the Jante law, with humiliation, indifference and ignorance, in my love life, in my art career, at workplaces or just in life in general.

But I refuse to surrender. And for each resistance I meet, I will grow stronger, bloom even more wildly, break even more rules and challenge the system with even more motivation. I open my heart wider to the world. I use my vulnerability as one of my greatest assets. I let the world in. I let my love flow.

Just because I open my heart to the world, doesn't mean I am inviting it to destroy it. Just because I am free to be myself, doesn't mean I am a freak. And just because I chose to use vulnerability as an inner strength, doesn't mean that people may take advantage of that.

Why do people blame open people, like me, for being too loving, too caring, too open, too honest - and not the people who try to take advantage of that? Why should I be forced to change my amazingness and good nature to match the closed minds of the ones who are uncomfortable around me? It's not like they would ever change to match my open heart - or would they? Maybe this is what I want to ask with this post.

A challenge.

I don't want you to call me naive  - I want you to show me that you can open your heart, just a little bit more, because in the end - it's pretty much a win-win situation.

Don't blame an open heart. Respect it. Treasure it. Learn from it. Let it inspire you. Burn with it. Bleed with it. Cry with it. Laugh with it. Feel it. Love it. Celebrate it.

An open heart is not mine field, like a closed heart, it's a playground.

A place for games of passion and freedom, where no law is necessary, as long as it is treated with the respect it deserves.




FOLLOW MIA MAKILA ON TWITTER!

HEY - I'M ON TWITTER! <3 

https://twitter.com/MiaMakila1


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Step 8 to reconnect body & mind: THE BANANA SYNDROME

RON ENGLISH - DANDY BANANA


I've been thinking a lot lately about how people always have seemed to be provoked by me. They say I am too open, too wild in my communication, they think I take up too much space, and that I'm basically too much.

For me, that is the biggest compliment I could ever receive, because it means that I am actually living my life, that I am a free spirit who's not trying to conform or adjust to the mainstream idea of how a woman/artist/person should act, think, feel. I am real, I am true to myself and not afraid to let other people see me. As a woman I am not afraid to take up space or make myself heard, as an artist I use my soul as raw material to use in everything I do, that makes me part of my art and vice versa. I can use my naked body, my face, my eyes, my hands, my mind, my soul and my core to make art, it all feels so natural and free to use as part of an artistic expression. I have limits just like everybody else, I have clear boundaries of what's ok or not, but I am not afraid of pushing them to allow myself to be more free and more brave in my human and artistic expression with who I am.

If I think of myself as a banana - where the peel is my body and the banana inside is my mind and soul. Now, if the peel had a zipper, which would open and close the peel (body), I know most people want me to zip up and not expose my soul too much. Because it makes them uncomfortable. But to zip up makes me feel uncomfortable. It suffocates me.






I've been writing about this a lot in my therapy research and I humorously call it 'THE BANANA SYNDROME', but it has a serious undertone. Because as happy I am to get a compliment about being 'too much' or taking up too much space, it has also caused me a great deal of pain and suffering throughout my life. I have been bullied, abused, misunderstood, ostracized, not accepted, disrespected, laughed at, questioned, ridiculed and humiliated because of it. But for me  - it has been worth it. Because if I stop being true to who I am, I let other people control my life. And that's what happened when I was abused, I totally lost myself and couldn't hear the voice of my core anymore. And it's been a long way back to being able to hear it again. That's why this reconnection with body and mind is so important. Because it has many levels, not only accepting my body and not drifting away in my mind as I use my body in places where I'm reminded by the trauma, but also in metaphors like this one.

To understand the connection between my mind and body I can also understand their interactions and how they compliment or struggle with each other in everything I do. The body is my shield, my house, my tent, my planet to live within, but also a map of memories of physical humiliation and violence, a representation that not always match what's inside, something that I allowed being controlled and used by other people because I was afraid of them. My body has not always been my own (the origin of the disconnection), whereas my mind has always been my home, my treasure, my Universe and my sanctuary where I have been escaping when my body has been forced to do things it didn't want to do.

That is why the banana metaphor is significant in my therapy work. I don't want to hide anymore, and I certainly don't want to censor myself or let people tell me what to do or what not to do - physically, verbally or artistically. 

My body, my mind, my soul, my core - it's all mine, and mine alone. Nobody can ever tell me how to use it, or tell me that I should hide it, protect it, show it, expose it, give it up, give it away, be ashamed of it, feel guilty for not being ashamed of it, change it or to zip up.

If I let other people control me or zip my peel - I'm not really living my life as just following other people's vision of what I am. I am the only boss of my body and mind. 

It took me much pain and suffering to understand the importance of showing my soft and delicious banana, hiding under the suffocating peel, but also to know when to zip up so the peel will protect what's inside. I trust myself to know the balance within the banana syndrome. It makes me in control of myself. And that makes me stronger than ever. To know the balance of daring to be weak and vulnerable  - and real - and the strength of not letting people take advantage of that. That is self-power.








Wednesday, April 9, 2014

EN LÄCKA | A LEAK

En läcka.
Yoghurtfläckar.
Trastens sång.

Våren som kommer och går.

Smärtan under huden.
Mosig som banan.

Svart sol.
Kolljus. 
Sjuder och dånar.

Flämtar av mörkt tvång.

Annars lider skuggan.
Dödar vägen med dans.

| MIA MAKILA


------


A leak.
Yogurt stains. 
Fresh as life itself.
Songs from the trush bird.
And the pain underneath the skin.
Like mashed banana.
Black sun.
Charcoal light waves.
Alive with thunder.
Breathing through a dark force.
Otherwise the shadows will suffer.
Killing the road with a dance.

| MIA MAKILA.

"LEARNED HELPLESSNESS"



Having a big Eureka moment in my therapy work! Within my diagnosis CPTSD [complex post traumatic stress disorder] there is something called *LEARNED HELPLESSNESS* and this is what I've been calling "mental paralyzation"! Since the trauma, I've felt quite helpless in general and that feeling of helplessness has only been more and more intensified over the years. Even if my life has been going in the right direction, and I've been successful with my art, I've still felt helpless and apathetic. This is why:

"When it comes to not being able to predict when positive events, the person with 'Learned Helplessness' doesn't respond with depression, however, with a disturbed motivation and cognition, and the person becomes equally apathetic. Especially if the people close to them reacts with indifference when trying to please them. "

/ "People with CPTSD has a general sense of hopelessness and a feeling that no events are predictable, which means that the person is experiencing life and the world as dangerous. "

This is an amazing progress in my therapy work! Because now I know that I'm not mentally paralyzed, I am not blocked in my art, I just haven't been dealing with this symptom, and of course it's all about breaking the pattern of 'learned helplessness' and to understand and learn that I am not helpless anymore and that good things can happen too, not only traumas.

And I've told you before, I have a new motto: THERE'S NO TRAUMA IN MY FUTURE! I will remind myself of this every day. And I'm gonna try and 'reprogram' my mind to learn to trust life and happiness again. This is an important day. This discovery will help me so much. 

Monday, April 7, 2014

About my artistic fragility


Yesterday, someone asked me: "why do you want to make yourself so vulnerable as an artist by telling the world about your creativity blockages, your struggle with your art and your artistic fragility?"


I answered:


"Because this is what it's like to be a true artist, if I would keep that to myself and pretend to the world that I am making art all the time, that my success is because of a constant flow of creativity, I would be lying and I can not be an artist who is lying, that would make my work insincere and fake. I want the world to understand the complexities and hard work that true artists put into their work and life - the struggle is there because you suddenly stop believing in yourself, you feel scared and lost, very lonely, and it can happen to anyone, not only to an artist, therefore it's important to share this with the world, because it's true and real and is nothing to be ashamed of. My art is about the true nature of the human soul. That's why I could never pretend that I am someone I'm not."


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Dreamwalking

I am a dream-walker. Not really moving, not ever resting. Clouds drift in slow motion, time measured in pain. The beauty of thunder. When it turns into birdsong on fire. Silence is a mirror for the passing of time. A bridge between memories and dreams. Not satisfied until it's erased by the harsh light from my window. No stars are born in rotten daylight anyway. I need to let go. Raw shadows decomposing inside. To have nothing. And still being able to build a moon. And light. Inside and outside a dream. 

Opening of Welcome to the Dreamtime group show in Brooklyn, NY

Here are some of the pictures I've found online of WELCOME TO THE DREAMTIME group show opening night at STEPHEN ROMANO GALLERY in Brooklyn, NY!  I'm so honored to be part of this artventure!  (my art can be seen in the first photos) 



















Thursday, April 3, 2014

River of red

Your were air. Your wind tainted my veins with life. Possessed by lust we danced on the shore. The darkness was never real there. On the island. In the noisy atmosphere inside a sea shell. Lovers of stars, moons and debris from broken dreams, floating across the dome above. No time for love. And no time for time. All that was left was an abandoned car, a burning silence and the sound of coconuts falling like hard rain. A dream later. I am still dressed in yearning. Eyes. Yes, yes - eyes. There. Looking. Almost cutting the world open like scissors. Everything is bleeding in perfect synchronization. The river of red. Is the new yellow brick road. Take me to the land of broken promises. Moments of endless possibilities. And still nothing. But the eyes. Oh, yes - the eyes - are still open. Like doors to whatever lies beneath. The lies.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

ÄR MED I EN SKRIVARTÄVLING! (UTMANINGEN: SKRIV EN NOVELL I EN ENDA MENING)

"Som alltid på söndagar gick hon ut genom dörren och vandrade rakt fram utan att stanna, barfota på våt asfalt, mjuk mossa som grön bomull, rakt över motorvägen, hård som döden, förbi främlingar som alla bar på någon slags sanning om henne själv, genom ljudet av visselpipor, måsar och taxibilar, bort där det doftade lögn och skrik födda ur underlivet, ända bort till fruktaffären där hon drunknande i det starka solljuset som om hon aldrig hade funnits på riktigt ändå."

/MIA MAKILA, 2014

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The sound of a wish

Black light
Spreading across the room
Bells and stars
Preserved thunder
A dog
Five nights and two dead hours
I come to life
My core 
With roots
Deeply connected 
to the moon
Frozen craters, miles and miles from home
I fill the sky with electrified dreams
Only the birds in space can hear
The sound of a wish
Before it's buried in time
Collected and forgotten
Like black light
Just like black light
Radiating shadows
On a lost Tuesday night

Jimmy Ruffin - What Becomes of the Brokenhearted

WHEN I'M GONE - BRENDA HOLLOWAY

Martha Reeves & The Vandellas - Nowhere To Run (1965) HD 0815007

Jackson 5 - My Girl

Rockin' Robin-Bobby Day-original song-1957

Who's Lovin You - Jackson 5

Monday, March 31, 2014

About drugs

One of the many reasons why I don't like drugs is that I want to use my mind to make sense of the world - not escape it or distort it with chemicals.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

5 reasons why I don't want to change who I am


Expressing myself and my inner Universe, in the early 80's.


I am a very open human soul and I love to share myself with the world through my art and my writing. And I express myself from my core. I don't limit myself by dividing my personal life from my art - it's all part of who I am - and my soul. All my life people have told me that I shouldn't be so open with who I am, that I should protect myself and keep it all to myself, to be moderate and careful with what I say and do. And every time it happens, I feel very upset. Even though I'm sure they are just looking out for me, I feel unseen, misunderstood and judged. They make it sound like I am making myself vulnerable - and that I totally lack self control. That's an insult. Because this is who I am. And honestly - I don't want to change. 

Here are 5 reasons why I don't want want to change who I am:

1. Why would I want to change who I am? If this is who I am - and this is my life - why would I want to be more or less than who I am? I should celebrate every minute I get to spend on this Earth with being as much 'me' as possible. I only have one life - why waste it all by trying to be someone I am not?

2. Ever since I was 18 years old and fell in love with the man who would abuse me for the following 5 years, I've spent my life living in constant fear. I have a lot of phobias and fears because of that relationship and I've been working so hard for so long to break free from all that. I haven't been to the beach in 15 years - I haven't been  able to enjoy summer and nature, sex, for so many years because of the PTSD symptoms and scars from manipulation and abuse. Why would I want to stay in this place of constant fear? (I am already living under an unspoken death threat because of my husband's 'revenge' for leaving him - and for telling my story worldwide). If I take away my own right to express myself freely - what do I have left? 

3. People tell me that "there are idiots out there who could take advantage of your open heart",  yes I'm sure there are many sick and bizarre people out there who would love to slap me/kill me/rape me/abduct me/kidnap me/torture me/abuse me because of who I am and what I have to say through my candid writing, my art and my blog posts and Facebook statuses.  But there are also a lot of wonderful people who let me inspire them - who makes my work important and who would love to hug me/kiss me/thank me/smile at me/love me/appreciate me.There would not be much value to my work if there weren't anybody there to listen. If I can help people - girls, boys, old, young, straight, gay  - with my stories, my thoughts, feelings and experiences of love, sex and self-image, I would know that all the pain in my life, all the humiliation, the suffering and the hard work back to a real life - has been worth it. You can't be brave without taking chances, without taking a risk and go where most people don't dare to go.



Expressing myself in public with my art show MY VICTORIAN SECRET, 2007.


4. People often say I lack integrity because of my open nature and I guess there are many ways to define 'integrity' - for me integrity is about being true to who you are, not adjusting yourself to a social context and never pretend like you are someone that you are not. Integrity is to be proud who you are and not afraid to show it. THAT'S what integrity is to me - and I have lots of it! There are many layers of me that I only share with people close to me.

5. I am one with my art -  my art is an extension of my existence and vice versa. And I love sharing everything with other, because I believe everything can be turned into art, moments, impressions, feelings, thoughts, meetings, dreams, time, everything around us is raw material that can me molded, sculptured, deconstructed, described, analyzed, memorized, admired and captured with words, a camera, paint and brushes, a pencil or any tool at your disposal.  And I do this with people, everyday -  even if I don't get paid for it and even if it won't be remembered for more than a few hours, because my love for life and people are bigger than that, my love for creativity and artistic expression are more important than that, and the fire within my core that wants to share the collection of flames and sparks with you all, is far more powerful than any amount of money or fame. Here is when art and love comes together. Nothing in between, nothing more or less. Just pure passion. If you tell me to keep this all to myself - it is a violation of my artistic freedom.



Expressing myself in a self portrait, 2011


In a serious mood, collecting emotions, working with therapy stuff, 2013 and
expressing them through blog posts and poetry