Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Hellogoodbye - (Everything Is) Debatable

Shout Out Louds - Walking in Your Footsteps

You are not a lost soul

One thing that I've never lost is the love for humanity. Even if there's great and incomprehensible cruelty in the world and people have treated me like shit, I am still deeply in love with life and the human race. There IS beauty there, beyond the darkness of the ones who tarnish our view upon humanity. As long as you can see beauty in strangers, you are not a lost soul.


About success

I was examined by a doctor yesterday to see if he could declare me 100% disabled to work because of my anxiety and PTSD symptoms. He was very direct and after listening to my story he said:
"Your problem is not depression or disability, you stopped believing in yourself a long time ago since people have abused you and after that treated you like a victim, you are not helpless, you are not disabled, you just think you are because you were never rewarded for your successes but punished for them by people who didn't think you deserved it. You have a lot of gifts and talents. Start using them. I will give you some light anti depressants and please read this book, " Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell about highly intelligent and talented people and their way to success - they will be the two best (and cheapest) investments in your entire life. Then you will start to reconnect with your art again and perhaps move to Paris one day to surround yourself with other people like you, who knows. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a job. You can do this. Your brain is just programmed to believe that you can't."

I guess I need to do what the doctor said. Take the anti depressants so I will get rid of the anxiety that is blocking every thought, read the book and start programming my brain right!


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Jag lever

"Bortom skymningen lever jag nära vattenytan.
Domnar med natten.
Klockan är alltid eftermiddag när jag vaknar.
Som en löjlig rebus.
Timmar,

utom sig av rädsla.
Svarta som hålen utanför min lycka.
Där jag firar mitt liv med en sång.
Som aldrig tar slut.
Våt av ytspänningen i mitt hjärta."

MM

Be Mine - Ellie Goulding & Erik Hassle

Friday, December 5, 2014

A letter from a dark corner

I haven't been able to write anything for weeks. I feel like I am living inside a cage within a cage and there are even cages inside me. I am trying to get my life back - I can't live with my parents anymore and to get an apartment I need a job, since I am too blocked in my art to live as an active artist right now and too burned out to get a job (the traumas and the difficulties of my life has finally caught up with me) - I have to ask for help, I can't do this alone anymore, it's too much and too heavy. I've been in contact with various institutions and a doctor to get some help so I can finally get my own place - and some peace of mind. Perhaps the doctor will declare me 100% disabled to work, I will meet him again next week, we'll have to wait and see what happens. 

But I haven't been able to avoid slipping into another depression, and it's hard for me to get anything done right now. I have panic attacks every week, sometimes more than one a day and I feel too stressed to even watch a movie or read a book. The only thing I can do is to watch TV shows and try to find little things that makes me happy, every day. 

I wake up late in the afternoons so I don't have to be awake too many hours in this situation. Some hours are endless, and I long for the day I have my own apartment where I can feel free and liberated. I have never had my own space like that, I moved into my abusive marriage from my parent's house, 16 years ago and then I have been in various relationship since the divorce, 5 years later. I think that is all I need right now. Solitude, silence, space, freedom and peace of mind.

I am tired of living by other people's rules, I'm tired of being judged, observed, controlled and told what to do and when to do it. I do have a rebel inside me - rebelling against every rule or boundary people put  - not around themselves, but around me. I am used to being caged. My heart is wild, my mind is free and vast - my nature is to be one with life as it is in its core - raw, naked and real. That is who I am. When people force their judgements or rules upon me, I feel either highly violated (short term) or caged (long term).

There is no place for a free mind in the world, unless you can make money on it. But my mind doesn't come with a price tag, just like my body isn't for sale. It's personal and private and I have a big integrity when it comes to who I am inside.

I have always compromised myself because there is no way around some rules in life - in school, relationships and family patterns for instance, even if I intellectually understand that it's inevitable to do so, I have still felt caged and unfree inside because of it. And I've always been trapped in bad relationships where I have been compromising both my mind and my body. I could never find an intellectual equal and I treated my body as a delivery machine when it came to sex and activities that I participated in because I felt forced to it or like it was my duty as a girlfriend to perform it.

I think I've become allergic to relationships, at least for a very long time. I never want to feel caged like that again. I need to be free and feel strong and independent. I don't feel any of those things right now. But hopefully I will find a way out of this dark corner where I am stuck right now. Hopefully I will find a way to get my own place - find some peace of mind so I can finally reconnect with my precious creativity and my art again. I feel like I've drifted so far away from my art. I feel very uncomfortable even looking at my old artworks. I can't see myself in them anymore. And they remind me of a time that I am slowly leaving behind.

Even if I am depressed, I still see many beautiful things in my future. I see myself being creative and into a flow of imagination, magic and creativity, exciting erotic adventures, freedom and perhaps even a sense of happiness one day. I will try to hold on to those visions. In a way, they are all I've got now.



Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Fighting depression

I'm close to slipping into another depression again, but I am fighting it every day. I can't let myself get depressed again. I can't lose myself to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, because I know I'm not helpless and I know it's not hopeless. I owe it to myself - and the people close to me that are doing everything they can to help me - to fight this familiar grey fog of passivity and sadness. 



But I can't escape the feeling of drifting further and further away from my art. I don't even like to think about it anymore. I hate looking at my own artworks. They feel old and I can't see myself in them at all. Who was the girl who made those works? What kind of art would I do today - and what inspires me now? So much has happened to me in my life, on the way from all those paintings to now. I'm not the same person, but more me than ever, yet less connected to my art. How is that possible? The more I reconnect with myself the more I should reconnect with my art - isn't that logical? But I guess life isn't that predictable and logical after all. 

Soon, I've been blocked in my art for 6 years. Quite unbelievable. Some days I am thinking about how I never want to make another painting or artwork ever again in my life! But I guess that's like running away from myself, from who I am, from what I know I can be. 

Other days I miss the smell of the paint, to get messy, dirty and to work with my body again. The digital art is a wonderful process, very creative and exciting, but it feels very sterile and passive at times.

Right now, the only creative dream I have is to write. Maybe I've been suffocating that side of myself while I have been so focused on my visual art, or perhaps it's an escape from the blockages and the pain that comes with it. Only time will tell.

Perhaps I can combine my writing with my art somehow.

I guess I am free to do whatever I want. But first, I need to find peace of mind.

That's my biggest priority. I don't think I've ever had peace of mind in my whole life. I need to move into my own place, start my new life and then slowly, reconnect with my creativity - writing, art, whatever that wants to come out.

I just have to keep my inner fire burning, I can't lose it to the cold environment of another depression.

I have to be at my strongest now.

I can do this.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Dagen som aldrig kom

Skuggspel.

Andetag av granit.

Äpplen som aldrig skalades.

Försvinner, som himlen.

Aldrig.

De omkom om natten.

När vinden rev mitt hår.

Flykten.

Nedbäddad i olja.


| MM

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Different types of love

Love can shift in so many shades of red. Here's a list of different types of romantic love that I just made:

The burning love
The pure love
The elusive love
The hide-and-seek love
The closed love (or the "come and get it yourself" love)
The lazy love (taking for granted)
The blind love (dangerous)
The "make me or break me" love
The "constant wrestling game love" (resistance)
The bleeding love
The crying love
The "bigger than the Universe" love
The deep love
The painful love
The soft, cloudy love
The "playing hard to get" love
The "surrendering to nature" love (when you melt into the feeling of being a child of nature)
The passionate love
The rubber band love (stretch from feeling very intense to calm and stable)
The fantasy love (not real)
The masquerade love (for show)
The numb love
The dead love
The happy love
The tranquil love
The literal love (it's all about the words, not the actions)
The desperate love
The unconditional love (extremely rare)
The "lost in love" love
The "falling into a dream" love (happens in the first month)
The "waking up from a long sleep" love (can be painful and scary)
The intoxicated love
The hungry love
The curious love
The false love (manipulation)
The dark love (destructive)
The "sunshine in my stomach" love
The candy love (sweet but makes you sick if you have too much)
The earthquake love ("heartquake")
The knife love (cuts your heart in two)
The annoying love (when you are falling for someone you can't stand)
The ego love (stimulates the ego, not the heart, like getting a "trophy wife")
The mysterious love
The organic love (changing, goes in new directions a lot)
The dancing love (only survives in an emotional dance, short lived)
The "sneaking up on you" love
The "once in a lifetime" love
The erratic love
The warrior love (fighting for a survival)
The weak love
The true love
The 1+1=1 love
The secret love
The spice love (it gives taste to everything)
The tired love
The found love
The "spiritual treasure" love
The almighty love
The never ending love
The complete love
The complicated love
The hopeless love
The "I'll wait for you as long as it takes" love
The loyal love
The comfortable love
The "security blanket" love
The "all my dreams come true" love
The velvet red love
The grotesque love
The mirror love (meeting your soul twin)
The dramatic love
The dirty love
The "I don't really love you but somehow I really love you" love
The "I just want company" love (selfish)
The adoring love
The all consuming love
The fearful love
The illuminated love
The "I hate you therefore I love you" love
The grateful love
The laughing love
The rainbow coloured love

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Carola - Tell me this night is over

Life & Magic



Lately I've been feeling a bit lost. I'm going through so many changes at the same time, in every area of my life. I am building a new life for myself, I am looking for my new artistic voice, I am exploring my sexuality, I am still trying really hard to shake off the last layers of the victimhood from my past - and all the fears and paranoia that came with that, I am learning about what I want and need in love - and it's hard to look love that deeply into the eye because the more I know what I want, the more I have to let go of old definitions of romance, dreams and ideals.

I am no longer searching for who I am. I know who I am. I am traveling to find places and people that can add something unique to my life - and to my mind. I am over the idea that I need a man share my life with. Perhaps my visions of my future is too advanced for a man anyway. I want to break the rules of everyday life, I want to bend life until it nearly breaks to see what's hiding behind it. I am interested in what is secretly waiting for me to discover behind the grey exterior of every day life. I just know that there's so much more to it. I can feel it.

I am not scared of reality, in fact I love it. But what is reality? Is it the endless routines of shopping, eating, watching crappy TV and all those things that sort of has to be there in order for life to move forward - or is it hidden inside the details that we hardly notice anymore, is it within ourselves - is it layered and structured within our feelings but needs to be dressed in a language to be understood?

I have a very vivid imagination. It's wild and free. But I am not into fantasies, perhaps that's why I am not a big fan of fantasy movies either. I know what life can be if we only dare to break through the superficial layers of it. It is hard if you are addicted to the security and comfort of the routines and what you know about life. It is easy if you are dying of curiosity - if you are on fire because your heart is hungry for more.

I think that is why people loved that french "Amelie" movie so much. Personally, I think it's a bit pretentious but the message is good - look around you, don't miss the magical details of life, they are hiding everywhere.

Magic is not something that comes to you and surprises you with its presence - you have to discover magic, create it yourself, or at least feel it inside, as part of something indescribable and intangible. But it is there. Always.

And we can waste a whole life without seeing it.

Well, I don't want to waste more time, in fact I am feeling rather greedy about it. I want it in everything I do. In every lover I will love. In every artwork I will create. Why settle for less than magic?

Perhaps it's already there, but we just can't see it.

I know I ask a lot from life. But my life has been pretty shitty and I have wasted so much time and energy on the wrong things - pointless conflicts, fear, people who took me for granted, people who couldn't even see me, people who didn't even understand my heart, compromises, emotional wars and mind games, spiritual prisons and traps - and the grey every day life with the numbing routines.

I don't care if I ask too much from life now - it is my turn to live! It is my turn to love! To be happy and to be free! And the best part is that it's not up to anybody else than me to make all this come true.

We are all very powerful that way.

Every second is a chance to turn it all around.

That makes life a very generous place too.

But sometimes, you just can't help feeling a little lost inside it.



Wednesday, October 15, 2014

ASH FLOWER

"ASH FLOWER"
Every hour starts and ends with you
Black fire storm
Tearing continents apart
A void
Louder than any chaos
Silent screamer
Tortured air
Flames
Grey and dry
Gone
Time and death
Glowing like dying fireflies in the dirt
Suddenly
Ash flower
Rising
Reaching for the light within
Resurrection and supersonic desire
Growing
A garden of aching delight
Hiding
Deep inside every thought
Crashing deeper
Inside
MIA MAKILA, October 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I AM A LOVE HUNTER

FROM MY DIARY, JANUARY 2014:

"Is the hunt for love more important to me than love itself? If so - why is that?

Perhaps there is a sense of power in the chase - to go after the things I want, to have an ambition and to catch a fantasy or a dream. Is the  fantasy of the dream sweeter than to actually keep the dream?

If I chase love and go after my dreams - it is a proof that my existence makes a difference in the world. That I create the rings upon the surface of the water - that I rearrange things in the great cosmos. I don't want to go with the flow and to just accept things as they are - I want to create them, to make them happen and to feel that I create my own light on the sky, not basking in the light that's really there. Perhaps it's an expression of my narcissism, or perhaps it's a fear that my life has no real value to the world, other than to my own experience of being here on this Earth.

And if I am hunting for love than I am actively making sure it will be there. What would happen if I would stop? Would there be a void? No love? It's the perfect way to control love, to go after it. At least you are doing something, at least you are there - trying.

But is the fantasy about love replacing the actual experience? How would I know the difference to that? This hunt for love is starting to become a 'dance of death', it always end up in pain. I think I am scared of love. Not TO LOVE but to be loved.

Nothing is as scary as to surrender to happiness. I have never been happy in my life, so how would I know how to relax and just let go of the fear? If you are happy, there is always a chance of something unpredictable and horrible, a threat of an invasion. Reality has proven to be pretty cruel. And unhappiness and pain is so familiar to me know that it is more comfortable than to be happy. It's all fucked up, I know that. I need to do something about that.

If I stop hunting for love - what would that make me? An easy prey for someone else's love hunt? If I don'y create rings on the water, how would I know that my existence is of any value?

I know the answers. But right now I am trying to pretend they don't exist. Because then I actually need to change my attitude about this." 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Far away




So far away. Like broken moonshine.


I touch the darkness with my thoughts.



Wondering, if the shadows die when 


it's dark or if they rule 

the night with its blackness.

/MIA MAKILA

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

MEMORIES OF YOU



"Memories of you"

A crash.
Two planets colliding with the intensity of a war.
Destruction, sweet as the tip of your tongue.
Dancing in honey rain.
A laughing sun.
The center point of an Empire, always alive with fire storms.
And you.
A silver coated wolf, hungry as Death itself 
 - tearing me apart with your uneven teeth.
Jaws locked around my heart.
Blood lust and cream.
Unleash me.
With stardust.
I am raw inside you.
We make love inside a birdhouse.
Six hours of dead ends.
An eternity of words.
Layers and layers of black fire and fragile slices of ham.
Washed away by moonlight.
With the shower curtains still dripping of cum.
The texture of a raw chicken.
Tongues, wet and slow like pink snails.
Two hearts, divided by a wall.
Sharp as a razor blade.

Impermeable.

A nothing box.
It never existed anyway.
You killed mommy with your love.
Cherry strap-on.
I hate purple.
Jelly pain and a fierce cul-de-sac.
I am just a detail in your life.
Pure love.
Insomnia inside a void.
Heartbeats trapped in a car.
Driving faster into you.
Melting.
Into the rainbow.
A spilled egg between my legs.
And I reach for your heart like it's heaven.


Silence is just another language that we share.

MIA MAKILA, October 2014