Sometimes my imagination and my creativity is a gift, sometimes it's a curse (when I trap myself with it). My best friend says I have a powerful and creative nuclear reactor in my mind - and that I just have to learn how to control it and cool it before it makes my thoughts radioactive and dangerous to myself. I thought that was an amazing observation.
Many of you have sent me messages expressing your concern after my post yesterday about wanting a little time out because I am going through painful things. And I just wanted to clear something out:
What I am doing now - what I am going through - is to CHANGE my life (to the very foundation) to the better - and it's so painful and scary but it's my choice to pass through this dark passage to be able to be completely free on the other side of the darkness. I want to change. I want to live life to the fullest. I want the whole experience of life - the good and the bad, the pain, the beauty, the love, the passion, the sex, the creativity, the pleasure, the joy, the failures, the adventures, the changes, the stillness, the meaning and the meaninglessness of it all, the chaos, the surprises, the hunger and the thirst, the pride, the discoveries, the conquests and the challenges. I want it all. Because I think life is a very special gift - and why would I want to throw that away just to be 'comfortably numb' and live in peace and harmony with the everyday life routines and the safety and security of being content. I never want to be content. In fact - each time I feel content I wish I could have an alarm clock going off to warn me because I need to feel challenged by life (not only in a painful way).
The biggest mistake I've ever done is to sacrifice my hunger for life for the sake of being 'happy' in one place. The happiness turns to something familiar and something safe and then it's so hard to be a daredevil and challenge oneself.
My definition of happiness is not about sitting in a rose garden, drinking tea and watching a beautiful sunset. I want to BE the sunset, burning and ripping the sky apart with my wild nature and desire to change and burn like a fire in every moment. To be alive and to be all I can be. Free and natural.
So, please, don't be worried about me. I will get through this dark passage and step into something new, fresh and exciting. There will be many more dark passages in the future. Even a sunset will turn into a night sky at some point.
Pain and sorrow is filled with heartache. But how beautiful is it not to feel the presence of your heart? Just like love and desire is the essence of the heart, so is pain and sorrow. A heart has two sides - right?
Therapy morning. This morning I woke up and saw all the sacrifices I made. I don't have anything more to sacrifice. I need to turn everything around now. My studio has been empty for years. Where the hell have I been? What am I doing to myself? And why? I need to find the answers quick, so I can get back to work. I'm close to some small artistic death. It's now or never.
Counting seconds in the dark before I sleep...one..two...three....your hunger melts with mine into one wet jaw of desire......four...five...six... You push me down on the bed......seven...eight.....moving slowly without feeling the movement of time....nine...ten....reading you between the lines is a true masterpiece, written with all the mysteries of love...eleven...twelve....pain is the shadow to all real pleasures, and I am not afraid of it. I just want more....thirteen....fourteen....fifteen....there is nothing more painful than to be someones 'indifference', no pleasure at all, only shadow games in a dark alley.....sixteen...seventeen....when you touch me I know there's a place where I belong. When you don't touch me I constantly find myself looking for that place......eighteen...nineteen...twenty...seconds of lust and despair.
It's like everything I thought I knew has shifted in color and dimension and I am a stranger to my own world. I'm experiencing an internal Earthquake. A heart-quake. Everything is turning itself inside-out. And I can see my inner world as the one outside of me and vice versa. I'm a new Dorothy, trying to find my way home again. Walking the yellow brick road. Barefoot. Naked. To myself - and the world.
Breaking free is exhausting....having an allergic stress reaction (hence the puffy eyes) to all the changes....but I feel happy so you don't have to worry
From my therapy notes last week: "Since I've been in therapy for over 3 years, I've made myself almost free from my trauma on a mental level. But my body is still a 'guilt box' filled with memories of sexual humiliation and physical violence. I haven't bodily freed myself from the trauma and my mind feels so disconnected to my body right now. It's like I can be myself - all the way - on Facebook, but in real life I am still insecure because of my physical dimension. It's really fascinating when you think about it. Like I am divided into an internal core (my thoughts, my mind, my soul) and an external meat blob (my body) - maybe that's why my creativity is on strike, why I am so sexually in my mind but have such a hard time connecting it to my body, why I always feel low on energy and no will to DO/MAKE/BE.
Even though my mind is filled with wants, desires and plans, my body is on some kind of strike and won't execute the ideas because it's still a place where the trauma is present. I have long said that I need to 'break the wall between me and life' - but maybe I have been using the wrong metaphor for this 'rebirth' process - maybe it's about connecting my body and mind to make a whole, maybe that's all I need to start being all I can be. To have sex, to make art again, to dance, to feel free, to have lots of energy, to feel all kinds of pleasure, joy and physical strength, all I need to start being a DOER instead of just being a DREAMER. Maybe this is what is left of the PTSD symptoms. I hope it is."
Therapy morning. Light copper sunrise. Inspired. I can do this! I just have to break through the wall - just watch me do that! I have passed the point of no return, now it's just to do it, slowly and steady. Breaking. Breaking. Breaking. Through the wall between me and life.
My body covered with soft fur. Itching and scratching. I've lost my tail. I'm on my knees. All I can see is the ground beneath. And you. I try to tell you to look at me. But my words sound so strange. Primitive. You laugh. I sound ridiculous. I try to make myself heard. Glimmering teeth. Sharp as the light blinding me to see how I look in your eyes. You are my shelter. And my cook. But somehow I am always hungry. For bluebirds and butterflies. My arms and legs are walking to you. I still haven't found my tail. I'm afraid to use my primitive tongue. So I just stare into your eyes. I want you. I want you to love me. You laugh. Talking about puppy eyes. You stroke my furry head. And let me have something more to eat. No bluebirds or butterflies. I'm still hungry. There's always light between us. Tearing us apart. Pulling us together. I think. I can't see. Blinded again.
The light falls asleep with you. At midnight I transform. Into a beast of desire. I wish you could see me then. In the dark I run. Away. Home. To the moon and back. Fast. Fast. As fast as the night flows with time. I find my tail hidden in the mist. The streets are empty but I fill them with my hunger and my crying. The wind in my fur. Night in my heart. Darkness all around. Stars and moons and silver sparks. Nothing can stop me from hunting bluebirds and butterflies. When you are asleep. My master of love. I wish I could tell you everything about the days and the nights. And me. I'm not a dog. I never was.
First look at the PIXEL PORTRAIT group show at STRYCHNIN GALLERY in Berlin (you can see my portrait 'The Crash' at the small wall (the blueish piece) that opened this Friday! I'm so proud that they use the 'DIGI-WAVE' phrase in their promo that I and Joe Myers came up with earlier this year!
From Strychnin's FB:
For our LAST exhibition of 2013, we want to get the "DIGI-WAVE" going with a show featuring only digital artists!
There's constantly a hint of skeptism and judgement that underlines the blic opinion on digital art. Yet, we're hopeful to believe that digital art will gain acceptance in the same manner electronic music is regarded no «less music» than to traditionally produced music.
Thomas Robson || Mimi S. || Ruben Ireland || Hsiao-Ron Cheng || Tom Bagshaw || Chris von Steiner ||Mia Mäkilä || Sergio Albiac || Alessia Cocca || AlexP