These last three weeks has been very strange and overwhelming. I got a chance to borrow an apartment in the city for a couple of weeks and for the first time in months, I was all by myself and I had time to absorb and reflect on what I've been experiencing since I left my boyfriend, my home and my old life behind.
Since I crawled out of my old skin.
The first week alone was terrible. I cried, my anxiety was stronger than ever, I felt lost and scared. Where am I going from here? Who am I? And what do I want? What do I need? Am I still an artist? Am I a poet? A writer? What do I have to say? How do I want to say it? What does my new skin look like? How will it fit me? What kind of love do I deserve? What kind of sex do I need? Is it possible to live a life filled with eroticism and sexual energy? Where do I want to live? How do I find peace of mind?
I felt like I was floating in and out of myself, like a stranger, like a friend visiting, getting deeper and deeper into myself, but with a distance so far that I could no longer see who I used to be. The pain was excruciating. I was emptied of everything I used to know about myself, everything I once was to the world. All that was left was a big vacuum - a void - and questions. I abandoned myself, I killed myself, I removed myself, I left myself, I discovered myself, I found myself and finally all the layers of me floated back into me and made me feel complete.
The pain was gone. And the silence was replaced with some kind of inner peace.
I don't have any answers yet, but it's OK, I will find the answers to my questions, one by one, just by living. Just by wanting to find them. And by being at peace with what I will find.
I don't want to be a concept anymore. I don't want to be a girlfriend, an artist, a lover, a victim, a nobody, a somebody, a role model or a dreamer.
I want to be me. Mia. Nothing more or less. But can I rise above these concepts? Can I push through them and not lose myself to the roleplaying, to the judgments they provoke, the rules and boundaries that comes with them?
I find it so hard to be able to be myself in this world when I being forced to dress myself in a skin that society has manufactured - one fits all. I don't want that, I'd rather die or walk naked without skin for the rest of my life. I just want to feel beautiful, strong, powerful, intelligent, creative and sexual - without losing myself again. My new skin will be stronger, softer and more see-through than before. I want to be as naked in the world as I can - I don't want any armor or turtle shells just because I've been hurt before. No. I want to shine with everything I am! I want to burn! I want to BE! I want to LIVE! Now. Now. Now.
I feel the new skin grow upon my naked soul as soft spreading velvet. It is happening now. Now. Now.
You sat in front of me at the dining table, smiling while you destroyed 4 months of therapy research by saying: "You always say you are so disconnected between mind/body/heart but it's not true, you are SO connected that you are suffering! You feel everything in your heart/mind/body all the time! This hair loss is a perfect proof of that." You said while removing a string of my hair that had fallen on my plate.
"Think about it", you continued, " if you are disconnected you don't suffer, you turn it off, numb it, that's what disconnections are for, serial killers have a disconnected mind/body/heart and sociopaths, but you... You are TOO connected, Mia! That's why you are suffering all the time because you are overloaded. You have too much inside and you are channelling it all in the wrong place inside your mind, trying to fix your problems with your art etc, in a state of fear and chaos. It's like you are trying to raise one of those tiny miniature ships inside a bottle with careful precision, at a rave party. You can't be focused at a rave party. If you relax and find peace of mind, you'll be able to raise the ship in the bottle ...you'll see."
You push my reality through all the layers of life, as if the moment is a collage of sensations and forced out to the surface to make a defined expression of it. Squeezing the wetness out of time, the marrow out of life - the heartblood out of my heart. In the secret cracks of time, we create our own Universe, tied to each other’s minds, deeply connected. With you I am so close to life that I can feel it pressed against my skin like a thin veil - loaded with static electricity.
Today I received a very nice gift with the mail! My favorite perfume!! Tribú by United Colors of Benetton! It's the only perfume I use and it's hard to get the bottles since they don't make them anymore. I've been wearing it since I was 14 years old. When I love something I simply hold on to it.
I feel so much better today. Stronger. Filled with fresh hope and inspiration. I might be at the bottom in some ways, but I have so much love in my life, I have everything I need to make my life my own masterpiece. I put myself in this position of being homeless too, so I can start over. It's not an act of madness - I risked it all to find true happiness. And it's just around the corner now.
"I am without skin. Raw sensitivity, humanity and sensuality, anxiety and fear. But it is a time for all dreams and fears to meet in a final battle. It hurts. So good. This is a strange time and I feel strange in it."
"It's been a little more than a month ago since I left my boyfriend. But it was more than that, I was leaving my past, everything I've been through the last 15 years, the traumas, the 6 failed relationships, the mistakes, the pain, the helplessness and the repressed sexuality. I'm starting over and the past is a closed book, foreign for my present self. I've learned a lot, I've learned that I don't know much about anything. And it's time to look for all those things. I'm still scared though. To not know anything is to allow yourself to be a little lost until you find your way. The light. The home. The you."
"I feel homesick, but right now I don't have a home to return to."
Ever since I watched Lars Von Trier's NYMPHOMANIAC this weekend, it's been haunting me, for many reasons. It was a brilliant movie and it really talked to me in a deep way, like it was a riddle, about my own sexuality but in a different way... but mostly... it felt like it was trying to tell me something about my art.
In the movie, we follow the life of Joe, a woman who's been a nymphomaniac since her early teens, always chasing sexual pleasure. And after many years of living a very promiscuous life as a sex addict, Joe suddenly 'loses her orgasms'. And this is compared to Zeno’s paradox – she is Achilles and the orgasm is the tortoise. Because she was chasing the orgasm, she couldn’t reach satisfaction. Joe describes it as the worst thing that’s ever happened to her, that within seconds, she had lost all sexual sensation and her pussy went numb.
And that's what I've been doing with my art. Chasing it. Losing it. Numbing it. I've been living inside Zeno's paradox for many years. That's why I'm not doing any art. Because it's all numb. I don't feel any pleasure from it. I'm just chasing it.
My two biggest fears in life are BETRAYAL and THE UNKNOWN (catastrophes, accidents, things you can't control) - but I've been working hard to understand the nature of these two fears and I think it all comes down to TRUST. If I trust myself to surround myself with trustworthy people and I choose to trust them, the chances are more unlikely that they will betray me. And nobody can predict or control the unknown, but if I trust myself to handle anything that will come my way (good and bad), I'll be alright.
Trust is the key to start living instead of just surviving, after a trauma. It's also the hardest thing to do. But I'll get there.
I've had some time for myself for the first time in a long time, and I'm having a strange reaction with strong anxiety and fever. There are so many overwhelming things going on at the same time, most of them are good. But I feel a little lost. It's like I've reached a point in my process of changing skin where I've crawled out of my old and heavy skin, and while waiting for my new skin to heal, I'm naked and fragile, exposed and raw within myself and the world.
The moon is falling into my panties. I can smell the honey in the air. Core songs and dirty sidewalks. Black rice behind see through curtains. Flaslight surprise. Three corners and a circle outside. "You never were a toy, but the most expensive jewel." The unknown. When will I get it? Searching for air every day. No more unrequited kisses and repulsive pride. Moongasm. Steel birds and distant longing. I feel you inside, spreading like a second bloodstream. Colliding until the end of time.
Something that's really bothering me about sex is the way it's become mainstream for the man to lick his fingers to lubricate the girl's pussy before he enters her. It's even become something of an erotic gesture. But to me - it's just offensive. I'm gonna tell you why.
The reason why a woman is wet and self-lubricated is not because it's an erotic gesture or 'hot' to the man, it's because she's horny and ready to be penetrated in a sexual encounter. The reason she's not lubricated enough is that she's not that horny yet and not really ready to be penetrated. The wet and swollen pussy is our version of a female hard-on. So when a man wants to enter a dry pussy it's like trying to squeeze in a flaccid penis. She's not really there yet.
It's kind of arrogant for the man to make that gesture of extra lubricant by licking his fingers before entering her. If she's not wet enough to be entered, you haven't really done a good job making her sexually aroused. And it's not her pussy that needs to be wet, it's her mind. Men that wants to hurry the seduction part or the foreplay are sloppy lovers, lazy and kind of lost about what women wants. A dry pussy is not a 'slow' pussy, it's a sign that you have yet some work to do by making her wet. She'll let you know when she's ready for you, tease her and give her time to FEEL and to connect with you and you'll see.
A pussy is not like a car that has to be greased or oiled to move fast and smooth. It's a place that is sacred for her until she's comfortable and connected enough to graciously invite you in. It should be a privilege to enter her, not your human right.
So stop making sexual shortcuts because in the end, it just makes you a bad lover to her. If you play her game and take your time, there will be no need for extra lubrication.
488 days of secrets. Invisible touch 30 GB and counting. Velvet waves. Dildos. And a stolen flower. I remember there was a time outside the storm. We create a window. And a room in between the chaos. Magnetic resonance over continents of wanting. Louder than the void. And the darkness that left you behind.
No words, just whiteness and air all around. Winds, fresh as tomorrow. Heart magnets and the fire in between. We share time and unspoken worlds. Places I could never visit without your presence. It's bittersweet. Just like missing you becomes a disease.
I've reached another crucial point in therapy work. I've discovered that I've got three eyes, observing myself, judging myself, overlooking myself.
THE EVIL EYE
I have a dark eye - an evil eye, I guess it really belongs to my abusers and haters, that I've adopted within myself, looking at myself with self-contempt. The evil eye makes me into a victim and the people around me as perpetrators, it is the eye of paranoia, fear, distrust, judgement, hate and is only collecting pain inside the darkness.
The evil eye is distorting its view and everything becomes warped and false. It tells me I am ugly, fat, worthless, non-sexual, weak, a nobody, a misfit, stupid, small, insignificant, sad, a failure.
Sadly, this eye has a lot of power in its vision upon myself.
THE MIRROR GLASS EYE
My second eye is made of glass from a mirror, it is a good eye, an adoring eye mirrored through my fans and admirers. It is the eye that's only activated when I am confirmed and loved through other people, like a mirror effect. It's the eye of perfection, a fantasy version of me, superficial and I control it by only showing people what I want to show them. It is not a fake eye but doesn't tell the whole truth.
The mirror glass eye is telling me that I am beautiful, strong, talented, sexual, intellectual, deep, passionated, great sense of humor, priceless, worth all the love in the world, trustworthy, ambitious, successful, powerful, has an inner light, free, role model, vibrant, mature, unique, empathic, amazing.
I do see all this in myself and I know it's real, but it's still a superficial vision that doesn't allow for any contradictions. And I am full of those.
MY REAL EYE
It feels like my real eye(s) has been closed for so long. I was only looking at myself through the darkness of the evil eye or the light vision of the glass eye. I realized that nothing is black or white, but full of the nuances and complexities of the grey-scale. And my real eye is a grey-scale. It is not a judgmental eye or adoring, it is the eye of the truth and the truth is not perfect or a nightmare.
My real eye is telling me that I am always struggling between feeling very small and my super-ego (the evil eye and the mirror glass eye), it tells me I am strong but insecure about my strength, talented but afraid of it, intelligent but not used to explore it, intellectual but very unstimulated, the will to be close with people but with fear of rejection, sensitive and vulnerable but at the same time open and close to my own emotions, impatient but loyal to the things and people I truly love, trustworthy for other people but not to myself, sexual but scared to be sexually humiliated, deep but can easily drown in my own depth instead of use it wisely, passionated but also passionated about my own suffering and misery, worthy of love but can't trust love, fear of being unseen but at the same time I am not really seeing myself, role model to other people but not to myself, empathic to other people but not to myself.
What my real eye discovered in my, once I dared to open it, was that I am full of amazing qualities and light, but insecure about it. And that, I can work on. I have the raw material, it's time for me to do something wonderful with it. It is time to look at myself with eyes that doesn't belong to anybody else but myself. I will create a truthful vision that is lasting, and perhaps one day, I can close the evil eye and the glass eye, once and for all.